Leaves of Yesterday

I recently realized that I am on my third blog here. I had forgotten about my first one, or about my freewriting. It is interesting to see the ideas of a former me. The blog is ever so self conscious, and the freewrite is philosophical but primitive. Like a high schooler's journal (which, technically, it was) the blog is replete with entries that are meant to be read. Shaded to portray an intellectual. An individual. And intentionally topical. Covering whatever I would most hope a passerby to read. The freewrite was short-lived, but contained some less pretentious and more flatly honest prose. Below is one of the first entries. As a "freewrite" it was train of thought. No backspacing. Enjoy.

In Which I honestly think I've gone mad... again.

That last post was utter crap. I do believe in platonic friends. But you know, sometimes being platonic friends is just a lie . I bet that sometimes being lovers is just a lie too. I like that word better than boyfriend. Sure it sounds pretty serious and all, but it just seems less... meaningless. I guess I have a problem with doing things that are meaningless. I don't like to do them. That probably seems like a lie to a lot of people who know me.... but its not. Really. Honestly. I cant do something that no good will come out of. I cant think right now though. I feel like cleaning. But I don't have the right dress. I feel like cleaning and tidying and making everything cute and perfect. I want a european house. I feel like having tea while making some sort of snack for the tea that I'm going to have on the weekend. I want to make a cake. A bready cake. None of that frosting nonsense. I feel like a sweetish bready cake that is a bit heavy and thick but goes well with a hot tea on an autumn day. If I had a sundress I would be thinking of iced cream and light iced teas. On a verandah. I want a white dress. And hats. I am going to start wearing hats. When I get a job that is. I need money so I can buy some new clothes. I am sleepy but I'm still inn such a mood... I feel like speaking french and moving somewhere that the homes are so close together that you can reach into your neighbors house whilst standing in your kitchen or climb onto the roof and get all the way across town. I'd like to travel rooftop to rooftop.

Although looking at many entries from both journals reminds me how much I have changed as a person, reading this reminds me just how much I have stayed the same in spirit. I hope that my writing style has improved. Even so, this is still something that I could write to-day. I remember thinking long and hard about the case for platonic friends. In the end, I have to agree with myself. They are possible. Unfortunately there are too many people who are willing to lie to themselves and create platonic friendships that are nothing but air. Some are created out of some desperate idea that if one doesn't have friends of both sexes, then there is something wrong. Others have "friends" who are nothing more than a would-be harem. There are one-on-one platonics borne of two people who have met and are too cowardly to take the relationship the extra step where it should be.
That isn't to disregard the real friendships that exist. There are people who meet and are truly matched and exist without that sexual tension. People who fit so well that they become like a brother and a sister. Not that there is an absence of any sexual energy, but that the person does not fit your idea of a partner and/or has become spiritual family and therefore is off limits. Not every attractive person in one's acquaintance is the prospective other half of one's children's dna.
Aside from the friends who become like family, there is another breed of platonic. There is the friend who could have been more, but who you may have met at the wrong time of your life. Some quirk of fate that has misaligned your destinies just enough that what could have been, cannot be, or at the very least cannot be until a later time. So the couple remains friends. Perhaps out of a hope that lingers at the back of the mind, that maybe one day the planets will align and the phantom relationship will be realized. Perhaps they accept or do not realize their misfortune (if that is what it is) and the friendship lasts over the ages. A friendship that causes sideways glances between the non-couple's significant others, and the two eventually learn to downplay while in front of their spouses. Or perhaps they don't.
There are, of course, other breeds and shades of intersex companions. There are individuals who make it just fine in life without forming close non-romantic relationships with the opposite sex. This was just a ramble brought on by my past life. I'm fond of who I was, but I am glad I moved on. Yet, that tea and cake sounds like a fabulous idea.
As for the lovers who lie to themselves, there are too many forms and things to say. This would be too long. I will copy another post from the journals of yore when this one stales, and we will touch upon the indomitable, great Kate Hepburn. Old entries are lovely jumping off points.

-- G 'Bye, Sonya --

. ( 9.11.06 ) .